Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Me

Me and my chocolate Belgium friend (and no I'm not being racist)

Allow myself to introduce myself

Admiring the view in Uruguay

I figure it is about time to update this. I read my last about me for the first time in years and I realized it comes off a little arrogant. So I'm going to temper this one and let you know a little more updated version of what's going on with my life in this post Rapture world.

Well first off I opened a restaurant a few years ago, Meridian International Sports Cafe. I nurtured her for several years and now I  sold her. I would have liked for it to have been more successful but at the same time it's nice to not have her tying me down. I'm looking forward to having more time for traveling, LARP-ing and catching fly's with chopsticks.

I'll pick you up at 8
I usually find myself only updating my this after a long relationship so I figure why stop now. Andre 2000 said it best "if what they say is nothing last forever then what makes, then what makes, then what makes love the exception?". I have had five 1.5 year plus relationships. So that means I'm either good at commitment or bad at commitment, I've been told both, you be the judge.  Either way I am good at relationships because I know how to compromise. So take notes rookies because I'm going to tell you the secret of how to make the perfect compromise. Simply put, a perfect compromise is reached when both of you are unhappy. It's too bad relationships aren't like phone plans. Wouldn't it be great if you could get an upgrade every two years?

Gay or Hot?

I have been contemplating my next business venture. I'm thinking about maybe opening a restaurant exact opposite of Hooters and I can call it Bulges. However if I were to do this I foresee my sexuality being questioned for the rest of my life. I'm sure the fact that I can't decide whether I'm team Edward or team Jacob doesn't  help.

Practicing my machete skills should the zombie apocalypse come

I know how to fortify a house for a class 2 zombie attack (although my roommate won't let me, draw back of living with a chick). However a class 3 attack only God can help us.

Barry Bonds 500th stolen base and walkoff
Taking my 74-Z Speeder for a cruise

Things I would ask my maker at the gates of Heaven:
Did you plant all those bones/fossils just to test our faith?
How do you correctly fold a fitted sheet?
Why do women pay less for car insurance when everyone and their mothers know they are worse drivers?
Speaking to the man upstairs
Why do they always chose the worst picture for Wikipedia?
Should Babe Ruth have an asterisks next to his name because he didn't have to hit against pitchers on steroids?
Are friends really your friends if they only call you on long drives or waiting at the airport?
Am I bad person if watching Dexter kinda makes me want to be a serial killer?
Who has had a bigger impact on my life. Girlfriends that you spend every day with for a couple years and are gone forever or a friend that you hang out with once a month for 50 years?
Do I have a small bladder or is it because I drink too much water?

Literally taking out my anger on Italy
Things that grind my gears:
People under 5'2 that carry umbrellas
When you burn the roof of your mouth and have that little clitoris hanging above your tongue for a few days
Trying to get that 4th corner of my bed sheet down by myself
Arguing with a significant other and then asking them what they want me to do and they say "Do What Makes You Happy"
Hugh Grant, Tyler Perry, Bruno Mars (not necessarily in that order)
At gay pride parades when I tell someone dressed like a police officer they look fabulous only to find out they are a real police officer.
The over analyzation of sports
People that don't know how to use the word literally
The corporate ran US government that we call democracy.
When girls choose to cry during arguments.

 Uruguayan Ghetto
All dressed up for prom

I could be a billionaire right now because I thought of Facebook before Mark Zuckerberg. I remember being on MySpace one day and saying to myself, "I should invent another social networking site that does the same thing except doesn't suck." I also had the idea for the Dyson vacuum before it was invented. I remember vacuuming my room one day and saying to myself, "I should invent a vacuum that actually works." Don't even get me started on the Snuggy.
Beautiful Puerto Vallarta Wedding, Beautiful People

People tell me I remind them of Stephen Colbert
People also tell me I remind them of Larry David
I do not treat objects like women
It's Raining Men is my favorite song to karaoke

800 Free Relay Taking the Country by Storm from Console Heat

No offense
I went to London a few years ago and I left with a few lingering questions. Isn't it ironic that the British have such bad teeth and the worst food? Wouldn't you think that the country with the best food would have the worst teeth? I dunno just seems counter intuitive to me. Also the smallest bill in the UK is 5 pounds which is equal to $10. So either the strippers are millionaires or they wear fanny packs for the change guys give them.

Coffin Shopping at the British Open
Coaching my girls to victory
I have been on earth almost a half century and in my advanced age I am thinking about becoming a life coach or an old wise man that answers questions with more questions. If you would like to solicit my services shoot me a message.

I only have one more goal in life; and that is to have a bust of myself at the entrance of my mansion. Other than that I want what all men want. I want more....

75 mile bike ride around Lake Tahoe
Unwinding after a long day of Boarding

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